The audiologist saw something in E, that no other medical professional had noticed up to this point. The test was undoubtedly traumatic for E, but it was E's disengagement which prompted his encouragement to have him assessed.
No, surely not. My child just doesn't like new environments. He only spent 10min with him, he's jumping to conclusions... What if? What if? A lot of stuff might start making sense... home to Dr Google.
As I read and read and read, things became clearer. What we thought was E's special personality were indeed traits of autism. And so the rollercoaster of medical appointments and emotion began.
Life, one year ago, was very different to how it is now. God showed me this very clearly today. I was at Kid's Gym ( a supported playgroup - run by an OT and physio and is quite structured) and there was a new lady there with her son and a 3 month old baby. Her son was having a major meltdown. He was kicking and screaming and biting. She was sitting on the floor with him trying to restrain him. This went on for at least 20min. Then one of the staff members took over and gave her a break. She walked off to a corner of the room to see her baby. Her back was to the rest of us.
Before my experiences with E, I would have felt a bit sorry for her. But I wouldn't have understood what she just experienced and I am ashamed to say - I would have judged her for having an undisciplined and wild child. I wouldn't have approached her (at least regarding this topic)- I wouldn't know what to say. After all, I didn't want to embarrass her or reveal my own self righteousness.
Today was different. I felt empathy for her. This is how my child behaved one year ago. He was extremely anxious in new environments. I know the feeling of embarrassment when my child has a meltdown. I know the heartache and frustration when you simply cannot communicate to them. The feeling of uselessness when you can't enter their world. The complete and utter mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that follows the meltdown. I know the tears that follow. Tears of frustration. Tears of helplessness. Tears of grief for your child.
So today I went to her as she isolated herself from the rest of us, put my arm around her and asked if she was alright. Reassured her that this was a safe place. I understand. I've been there. I still have days like this. I too, have cried my share of tears at Kid's Gym. But here I found support. Here I found people who have empathy. Who understand. Who do not blame the parent for the child's behaviour.
All of a sudden, on the anniversary of discovering E's autism, I realised I have grown. E is not the only one who is making progress. So is Mummy. Suddenly, I had something to offer this woman that I did not have before. As we talked about how we deal with our children's behaviour, I found myself offering information that one year ago I did not have. I realised I have learnt. I have changed in the way I deal with E's behaviour, in the strategies I use, in the way I express myself. But most of all, I have grown in compassion and empathy.
It's been so easy to feel like a failure in this journey. To feel like I constantly fall. I am weak. I get frustrated. I am slow when it comes to implementing things we learn in therapy. Yet God chose today to show me purpose in his ways.
I was comfortable in what would have once been an uncomfortable space.
And I had something to offer which I pray brought some hope and light and comfort into her life.
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