Dawning of a new day

It appears that a new day is dawning for us. For the last 2 weeks I have been saying 'I feel like a have a completely different child in the house.'

E is changing. E is growing. E is nearly 3 and a half. E's sunshine is starting to part the clouds. And its a breath of fresh air.

What's different about our little guy? The first major improvement has been in his language and communication. I don't know if it officially qualifies as a language 'explosion' but it is the most language we have heard from him. Ever. He is spontaneously putting two even sometimes three words together. He now understands some simple instructions and responds accordingly. There have been a number of times that I have had to pinch myself that E was really speaking these words and not his older brother.

E is playing differently. He is socialising more with other children and wanting to join in more with their play. The types of games he is playing with his brothers is changing. The other day they were throwing a balloon to each other and taking turns. I know this sounds like simple stuff but this is ground breaking for our little boy who would never engage in a turn taking game and would run off with the balloon not wanting to share it.

His independent play is developing. He is ACTUALLY PLAYING with toys for longer than a few minutes. He is accessing toys on his own and then playing with them. Toys which used to frustrate him (like magnetic trains on a train track), he is now enjoying and learning to resolve the problems. He used to get so frustrated when the trains would fall apart (because he would try and push about 8 trains), he would immediately throw a tantrum and we would have flying tracks and trains around the room. But now, when the trains fall apart he mostly attempts to fix them himself and keeps on playing.

All this has made a HUGE difference in my day. He is more settled, content and happy. Some days I felt like we went from one tantrum to the next. This is no longer the case. We still have some major meltdowns - and in some ways I feel like these are getting worse but they are not an everyday occurrence. The more minor meltdowns of a constantly unsettled, anxious child are no where near as present.

We still have our challenges. And I keep waiting for him to revert. Is this not all too good to be true?

Why the improvement? Is it because his autism is mild? As his brain matures, is he beginning to process the world like the rest of us do? Is he beginning to understand things which once brought him fear and anxiety? Is some of the effort and love poured into this little boy showing some fruit for the labour? Are his frustrations decreasing as his language increases? Is not all of the above the sheer mercy of God?

A major grief for me of late is that I don't really know my little boy. If I describe him, I end up describing traits of autism. I ask myself: What is here in this little boy that is him, just him? It's an unanswered question. I need to reach the point where I accept that autism and E will always be one and the same. I need to love and know him for who he is. But it's hard when all day long I just want the autism to go away.

My heart aches and my eyes well with tears as I feel like I might be getting a glimpse of who E might really be. I've longed to give him a name in this blog. I haven't like using a capital letter to represent him. But I've never felt like I could nickname him - I wanted to come up with something better, more endearing than Mr Tantrum. I haven't come up with one yet. But I feel one step closer.