It has been a particularly hard week. I sense that E's behaviour is getting worse and he has started his disturbed night pattern again. So the last few night's I have been up and down with my almost 3 yr old and up and down with my one year old. They both only want me, so some night's are a real juggling act, trying to get one settled before the other one screams so loud that they'll keep the other one awake and then I'll have two screaming for mummy.
My mood is definately low again. It's hard to find the energy to deal with E- even when I do, I don't know what to do. You cannot deal with a child with autism the same way you deal with a 'normal' child. Standard discipline strategies don't work. My child kicks, throws, headbangs, hits, screams for hours if he has to, bangs his head on the wall, runs around the house making as much mess as possible - tipping toys boxes over, throwing things around the room. He is hard to physically restrain and when you have a 1 yr old to look after, it's impossible to do this anyway. I know I need to be more consistent with his behaviour but I don't know what to do and I don't know how to do it as well as give attention my other two children. E needs so much energy and attention which I don't have.
So I am floundering and feel like I am failing E. He needs more from me than this. Some days I just ignore his behaviour. I can't seem to do anything but cry about it. I don't know what is going on in his head and half the time I don't know what triggers the behaviour. I don't know how to meet the needs of all my children. This breaks my heart.
In my failing and floundering I have fallen. Fallen into the hands of grace. This is where I find myself today. Crying out for help. I can't do it on my own. I can't do it in my own strength. I can't do it without you, Jesus. Be my strength, be my wisdom, be my friend.
Oh Cara, My heart goes out to you. I watch and pray with you. I ask for God's grace to wrap around you and hold you tight. Jim
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