Looking after me...

It's a well known fact of parenthood that there is little time for mum. Life is full looking after other people. When those people are little then it's very hands on. Dressing them, feeding them, cleaning them, cuddling them, playing with them, reading to them etc etc. My eldest child is 4.5yrs old so what lies beyond these early years is still an unknown to me. It's not often that I get a moment to myself. It's not often I get to complete a whole task uninterrupted. It's hard to prioritise myself, giving myself time to refresh which enables me to be a better wife, mother and person.

So if it is hard to find time for 'me' time with 3 children, finding time for me with a child with additional needs is next to impossible. Life has become a lot busier with additional medical appointments. We have speech therapy, psychologist visits, kids gym one morning per week, learning support playgroup another morning. Add to this other assessments and reviews which take place (especially in the early days of discovering a developmental disorder) the calendar fills up quickly. I find when I am physically stretched I get quite edgey, impatient and stressed.

I have never been a person prone to depression. Whether its the makeup of my personality or biological factors, I haven't experienced long deep periods of depression. There are times I felt I have become close. I know the symptoms. I've seen others close to me walk through these dark times. I know when things within myself are changing. My perspective gets a little foggy. I get increasingly negative about myself and my abilities. My patience wears very thin. My eating habits change. I start to binge and eat for emotion. I get lazy. It gets harder and harder to get out of bed. Exercise falls right off the agenda. I constantly feel sad. Tears well easily at all times of the day.

All these symptoms have been emerging in my life the last couple of weeks. I don't really want to go into depression but in some ways I do. I feel like if I let myself sink, it'll be some sort of escape. Somehow I can hide from the realities of life. Somehow it'll all go away. It is a tug-o-war between this part of my brain and the rational side. The part that says it won't work. It'll make things worse for myself and my family. There are better ways of coping than this. I don't want to put on all the weight that I have lost over the last many months.

It's been a rollercoaster week working through some of these emotions. I have forced myself to the gym twice and it had an instantaneous effect. My mood immediately lifted, I suddenly had some energy and motivation ( I actually came home and mopped the floor!!) I am still feeling flat, but not in the 'danger zone'. So exercise needs to be part of 'me' time. It has to be part of my strategy to swim and not sink in all of this. It gives me a clearer head to process thought and emotion. And it gives me some time out.

I figure working through depressive emotions are going to be part of the course of learning to live with a child with ASD. There is no quick fix. And the truth of it - it is sad. It is heart wrenching. There is a sense of being robbed or of E being robbed. There is a sense of injustice not for me but for him. It's ok to feel these things. I just need to work out the most healthy way of dealing with emotions.

I was reminded of God's goodness this week. His hand. His ways. His timing. His love. His intricate knowledge of whom he has created. His firm grip on the shape of their lives. His promise of fulfillment and restoration.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

~Jeremiah 29:11-14