Listen to me

I think majority of people are deaf. I have come across few people in my life who know how to really listen. For a few it comes naturally, for most it takes work, an honest look at one's self and a constant focus on the other person. I am not a natural listener but I am trying to hone these skills, as being on the receiving end of not being listened to is at the least frustrating and at the most hurtful and could possibly lead to major complications and or set backs when it involves someone's health.

I started E in preschool last week. I was angry, hurt and very upset after leaving him. Some of that pain was the mere separation from a child whom I love so deeply. From a child who has walked a tough road and I have held his hand every step of the way and now I need to let go. From a child who cannot make his needs known easily. From a child who takes a long time to feel secure with someone new.

These deep, raw feelings of emotions were amplified by silly insensitivities by the staff towards me - that had they been 'listening' could have been completely avoided. I was fragile. I was vulnerable. I was sure others could see the massive lump in my throat. It is at these times we need to make the extra effort to make sure we are listening. The vulnerable don't need our platitudes. They don't need our brush offs. They don't need to know that you're the professional and you know what you are doing. They need to know you have heard them. Really heard them.

A few examples.

I had prepared a full A4 sheet of instructions about things specific to E. What he likes. What he doesn't like. What things will normally trigger a meltdown. What things he finds settling or comforting. What the few words he has sound like and what they mean. How he likes to eat his banana. Maybe to some this seems over the top. Maybe it is. I don't really care. My son cannot verbally or non verbally (not consistently anyway) express his needs, wants or frustrations. My son has certain issues/ sensitivites that typically developing children do not. So please, when I am working through the instructions with you, please don't say 'He'll be fine.' 'He'll settle in.' Don't give me the impression that you don't really need to read and understand this sheet with me. When I give you certain books and CD's that he enjoys and that are familiar to him, don't say 'Oh, we have lots of music and books here'. Yes, you do. That is not the point. These are familiar to him. As his mother, I need to know you have genuinely heard what I have said. I don't want the brush off. I don't want the impression you are telling me that I am the over the top mother who should just go away and let you get on with it. That is what will make me cry.

So when I finally leave and have tears welling because your staff were insensitive and I was vulnerable, please don't tell me 'He doesn't need to see you cry, you know.' Really? I didn't know that. I was planning on having a tantrum on the floor myself just to let him know how much this was upsetting me.

It's not easy. I know these teachers are greatly experienced with kids with special needs. That's why I am sending him there. I know they have a lot on their plate - maybe they give all their energy to the kids and they don't really have the time to deal with emotional parents. But I didn't think I asked much of them. I just wanted to be heard.

Remember this next time someone you know is doing it tough. Are you listening?

When things actually go right...

It's been awhile since I have posted. Life has been full and busy... will post more in the coming weeks.

Life with children rarely goes to plan... let alone life with a child with autism. Everything is so unpredictable. You are never sure what might cause a meltdown or anxiety in your child. Sometimes I feel like I am treading on eggshells all day - trying to meet his needs, preventing meltdowns, responding to meltdowns... the littlest thing can set him off.

My little E started preschool on Monday and had another full day yesterday. This was no small feat. E has always been very insecure outside of immediate family. He will not even stay at our neighbours place to play (even with his brothers present). He is very happy to come home with me. He seems so immature in many ways for a 3 year old. I knew that preschool was not an option for him. It was a must. It will form a major part of his early intervention. He needs to be in an environment away from me where he can learn social and language skills, learn how to behave and interact in a group context and for his general growth and development.

My expectation was that the transistion into preschool was going to be traumatic. That for the first few weeks I would only be leaving him for one or two hours at a time. That we would have major screaming and tantrums whenever I left him for weeks on end. That he would cry and scream and roll on the floor for ages after I left. None of this happened. The parting was hard and there were a few cries for 'mummy' and tears. But nothing overly dramatic or traumatic. (My tears were mainly caused by the interaction I had with the staff -but that's another post).

According to the teachers, he settled in quite quickly and was easy. He just went with the flow. Happily followed what other children were doing. He ate all his food (always a good sign). He engaged in activities that he has never done before. He sits on the floor and listens to a story - HE HAS NEVER DONE THIS! He doesn't 'do' group activities. I don't think the teachers understood just how mammoth this is and it warms my heart and brings tears of joy to my eyes.

We had prepared him with a social story of E going to preschool. I had photos of the preschool and his teachers and different activities he can do at preschool. He engaged with the story quite well. He learnt to say 'preschool' which I found comforting. However, I think the most helpful thing in his smooth transistion was the fact that he has watched his older brother go to preschool and be picked up at the end of the day. He has now watched him start school this year. He knows the routine. We have sent him to the same preschool that his older brother went to. This too, was instrumental in his ease of passage. It was familiar. The photos in the social story were familiar. The play equipment was familiar. He knew what he was seeing.

We'll see how next week goes but I am very hopeful for a real positive experience between E and preschool. It's a rare moment but its heartening when things actually go right. I can only thank my friend Jesus for holding my hand and E's in this massive process. He is the faithful friend.